Sometimes sex hurts.
It would be really remiss of me to write about sex toys, sex, and sexuality, without including the realities of sex. Sometimes sex hurts, whether that’s because you don’t get on with position, a part of your anatomy is playing up – depending on the time of the month of the cervix will sit lower or higher which can increase the chances all of it being hit with penetration.
These instances are normal, or as normal sex gets, however, there are many times where pain during sex is abnormal – unless you’re purposely inflicting pain BDSM style.
Right of the bat, I want to say that if you have bleeding after sex go see a doctor. Whilst it could mean something minor like tissue irritation, it could be a warning sign. If I’ve learned anything about my body is that it really does know what it likes best, and if something gets in its’ way you better look out! So, listen to your body, if it hurts, or does something abnormal go get it checked out.
Right, public service announcement over. This article isn’t to wax on about going to see your local GP to get a genital check-up. It’s about my favourite thing, communication. Just like communication has to happen when trying out anything for the first time, it has to happen during sex. This is a tale of how I struggle with communication.
The other week I was in a bit of a funk. More than a bit of a funk really as I’m changing medications. I’ll get into medications another day, but they can really do a number to your head, so suffice it to say that I wasn’t really in the mood for anything sexual. In addition to that, I was due my period at any moment. Those in possession of a cervix know what I mean, a period doesn’t have a set time, it just happens, and then you know.
My partner decided to help me get out of my funk with a lot of heavy petting (as an aside, I really love that terminology, and I think we should bring it back). Naturally, it worked, and sex followed. Now, there are very few times I’m not up for sex, and the time I am it’s mostly down to practical reasons like my hips refusing to cooperate with me. However, whilst my brain really wanted sex, my body did not. Less than five minutes flew by before I realised something was wrong, the sex didn’t feel pleasurable, it felt like a knife was tearing me apart inside, of course, I spent those five minutes trying to justify the pain in my head.
It took another 10 minutes for me to tell my partner.
I say ‘tell my partner’, I burst into tears whilst he was inside of me. I’d like to say it’s the first time it has happened, but the sake of honesty it is not. I recommend you don’t do this, he told me after the fact it’s a bit disconcerting. Like a true gentleman, he stopped, got me comfortable, gave me pain medication, handed me a box of tissues, and got me to talk.
For background, we’re investigating yet another medical avenue for my uterus pain, so we know that my uterus is finicky, and I’ve experienced pain during sex before, however that time I didn’t communicate until afterward exactly what was happening. My partner made me promise I would tell him in the future, and I did this time … it just took a while.
You see, part of me wanted to ignore my body, and charge ahead because I wanted sex. I was aroused, really aroused, and I love watching the my partner when we have sex. But part of me, a bigger part of me kept yelling – setting off an internal fire alarm if you will. I knew that it would only hurt us both in the long run if I didn’t communicate. So, I communicated, and the world didn’t collapse around me.
Communication is hard. It’s a steep learning curve if you’ve never been taught how to communicate before as you have to be willing and open to do it effectively, but it’s really difficult. When I communicated with my partner both times I felt so incredibly guilty about the idea of stopping sex midway through, that the first time I waited until after we’d finished to discuss it. Now, I know why. It’s part of societal pressures that refuse to get out of my head and part my history, though that’s a story for another day. But it takes time, and practice to do anything effortlessly, and that goes for communication too.
The bottom line, even a person that preaches about communication forgets to communicate when it matters most. Communication a learning process, no matter how many times someone can tell you, or how many times you tell yourself that you have to communicate, it’s hard. It’s even harder when it’s in the middle of the situation you want, but know you need to stop.
Yes, sometimes sex hurts, especially if I attempt to have sex around my period, but maybe next time I’ll communicate better because at the end of the day, it’s better to do more heavy petting with less pain, than push myself to do something that will hurt s us both in the long run.