Masturbation

I’ve stopped masturbating, or have I?

I’ve stopped masturbating, or have I?

What feels like years ago, I announced to the world that I was going to stop masturbating because it was just too painful. Honestly, it’s still painful, but I am masturbating again.

I’ve gone through a lot recently aside from virus-that-shall-not-be-named, and I tend to use escapism, which means reading and erotica. What I’m really enjoying is rediscovering my kinks and fetishes through stories. I think I go through a thing every so often where I just push everything down because I can’t deal with anything, and my sexuality is included in that. Between the recent stress and the stress of working through important therapy topics in a space I am in nearly 24/7, I needed some time to myself.

Of course, I’m not masturbating with any regularity, and I’ve probably only masturbated a handful of times in the last few months. Would I like to masturbate more? Yes, of course. I’d very much like to fuck myself silly with dildos and try out all the toys in my review pile in one big wank session. I’ve re-found my love of toys, and I don’t just want to use my Zumio all the time, though I love that toy to death. However, I know that it’s not good for me. My last masturbation session ended up with pain that lasted for a whole week. All I did was masturbate and have three orgasms with the Zumio. Somehow, I hurt my foot, though that is not hard to do nowadays, pulled a muscle, and apparently reactivated my core which has long since been dormant.

Masturbation is work because I am putting all my effort into it. When I fuck or have sex with my partner, he’s taking a load of the effort of me. I don’t have to engage my brain most of the time, I don’t have to build myself up and tease myself because he does that. When I’m by myself, I might be cunt clenchingly turned on, but physically I have to hold a toy, or maybe deal with lube and lubed up fingers, move the sheets, and do all the work … it’s exhausting. I have also discovered and more prone to clenching my muscles by myself to get myself to orgasm faster, whereas, I’m more likely to slow down and enjoy the moment more when I’m with my partner. It’s an interesting discovery.

I am also pleased to report that I’m orgasming quicker and I’m able to have multiple orgasms again. I don’t know whether it’s the fact I’ve been off anti-depressants for my pain for years, the implant, or divine intervention, but I’ll take it. Speaking of the implant that should have been out by now (blame the virus, I was one day away from having it removed), I’ve got no clue what the damn thing is doing to me, apart from all the things I know it’s doing to me – weight gain, acne, nightmares, mood swings, intense pain before periods, relaxation of joints which adds to pain and more.

Is the added progesterone the reason I’m able to have multiple orgasms or orgasm quicker? Maybe, who knows. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from paying attention to my body over the past five years, it’s that hormones dictate everything. Hormones dictate my creativity, my ability to work, pain levels, and a ridiculous amount more. Hormones definitely dictate my ability to masturbate. It’s well documented that libido spikes around certain times of the month, for me that’s generally ovulation and when I’m on my period.

Either way, I am masturbating when I want to again. Though there are even more feelings attached to masturbation during isolation. I had a tendency to masturbate when my partner wasn’t at home. Now, I have to get used to a whole new world of masturbating when he is home without feeling like I need to include him and without feeling like I must tell him masturbating or even ask his permission. Masturbating with my partner home is not something I used to do. So, though I’ve started masturbating again, I’m once more relearning how to masturbate with the knowledge he’s is in the next room.

One last thing that’s been on my mind, you don’t have to masturbate during this time if you don’t want to. Don’t force yourself to masturbate just because you’re home all the time. A lot of places are saying they’re selling out of sex toys, and it gives the impression that every single person is masturbating and if you’re not masturbating then there must be something wrong with you. There isn’t.

We’re in a pandemic, all you have to do is get through it any way you can, with no obligation to do anything other than keep yourself alive.

What about you? Have your masturbation habits changed with lockdown?

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