Relearning how to masturbate.
Just before falling from the precipice of orgasm there’s a single-minded focus that comes from the build-up of pleasure that is both delightful, and frantic. The holding of breath, tensing of muscles, and urgency of movement is because your body takes over, whilst the mind shuts down. The pleasure demands to be fulfilled through release.
I have a problem with orgasming. In fact, it’s such a problem I’ve had to stop masturbating altogether.
The problem? I keep hurting myself. For some reason, every single time I orgasm or even masturbate my rib cage feels awful. I say this, I know why – I tense right before and during orgasm. I tense so much that it’s enough to cause myself pain that lasts for hours.
Now, I am chronically ill, and I have a problem with my rib cage anyway – good old costochondritis which is usually temporary, but in my case, my body decided to hang on to it, which isn’t helping matters. But, up until late last year I had no problems with pain after orgasm. Generally, I’m always in pain, and due to the effort exerted during sex or masturbation, usually, I’m in a little bit more pain, but this knocks that pain out of the park.
I’ve seen and experienced enough orgasms to know that tensing is normal, but since it harms my body I have no choice but to learn a way around it.
I have tried to stay completely at ease and relaxed up until the point of orgasm, but usually, I fail. I either get too in my head over how long it’s taking me to orgasm, or the need to orgasm right now is just too great, so I tense, and push myself. The only successful time that I’ve not tensed at the point of orgasm, is when I experimented with a butt plug, but that’s a story for another day.
My goal over the next few months is to ‘re-learn’ how to feel pleasure without tensing, and let my body relax into an orgasm. It’s not going to be easy. I have to break my ‘bad habits’, so I can’t allow myself to be taken over the threshold frantically no matter how fun it might be, or how badly I want it.
My plan is to take things slow. Before sex or masturbation, I’m going to spend time seducing myself, making sure to regularly practice self-care. It’s really easy to fall prey to negative thoughts about your body when you’re disabled, and I’m not immune. It’s my hope that after a while this will become a habit, and I’ll be in a better headspace to orgasm so that I don’t force anything, and end up hurting myself. My body doesn’t need any more help in the pain department.
Who knows, I might even try meditation.
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