2020, the year I stop masturbating.

2020, the year I 'Marie Kondo' my sex life.2 min


… because solo masturbation isn’t working for me at the moment.

 

What! No orgasms? Why!?

I’ve had a bit of a revelation.

So, let’s talk about my relationship with masturbation. I like orgasms. I really like them. However, because my body is complicated having an orgasm isn’t straightforward. Orgasms cause pain, exhaustion, and occasionally these effects that last for weeks. I really wish I was joking, but I’m not. Orgasming can truly fuck me up, and not in a fun way. My last masturbation sessions really drove that point home. Apart from the physical and energy level side of things, orgasms also take a lot of mental work.

What is my brain busy doing? I’m glad you asked! I’ve caught myself making shopping lists in the middle of sex, multiple times. I’ve planned blog posts, I’ve thought up new business ideas, and I’ve dwelled on therapy topics. It’s not that I’m bored, or uninterested my brain just won’t shut up. Honestly, a large part of me thinks I’m exhausted from trying to make my brain cooperate into orgasming!

Under Pressure

Because I write about sex, sexuality and disability, and sex toys, I feel there’s a type of pressure to be sexual, and live my ‘best sex-positive life’ – after all, I’m testing out toys made with climax in mind, and my message is very much ‘yay sex and sex-positivity’! My job as an online tease adds to that pressure. Now, I don’t masturbate for my job anymore. I masturbate when I want to, and then I tell my fan clubs to make them jealous. It’s fun. *insert mischievous face here*

And please don’t misunderstand me – I enjoy sex! I love orgasms, and I love the idea of masturbation. However, all those things zap energy and cause pain. I can have an orgasm, but a lot of the time the pain and exhaustion from wanking isn’t worth the payoff.

I have been fighting against my body for so long to have solo orgasms when the orgasms I have with my partner are much more satisfying for me. I would even go so far as to say that having a solo orgasm is self-destructive.

A solo masturbation session feels like a big bright neon light pointing to all of the things wrong with my body. I’ve never masturbated without pain, but that’s my norm. However, throughout the past three years, it’s been very difficult for me to masturbate without a very high pain level. If you add my busy thought patterns into the mix you have a special cocktail called ‘spiralling’. My speciality.

But what happens during masturbation that it’s so bad?

Widening my hips puts my back out, contracting my muscles near orgasm has hurt my ribs and has sent me to hospital. Having a solo toe clenching orgasm has induced painful spasms in my feet. The list goes on, and on. Let’s not even get into my brain … today.

Does all of this happen during partnered sex? Yes, though sometimes to a lesser extent as my partner watches out for my body more than me. Having partnered sex is worth more to me physically and emotionally than solo masturbation.

My feelings might shift over time, and maybe I’ll find a way to masturbate that doesn’t ruin me (fingers crossed), but for now, I need to stop masturbating and stop pressuring myself to masturbate.

2020 Goals

My aim for 2020 is to completely let go of the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘woulds’ when it comes to having a solo orgasm, not orgasms themselves. I can still have my fun.

So, I’m letting go. I’m not going to force myself to orgasm if I feel aroused, and I’m not going to beat myself up if I want to orgasm, but ultimately decide that it’s not worth the pain. Will I orgasm solo sometime in 2020? Probably. Heck, I would go as far as to say definitely. But living my ‘best sex-positive life’ means learning to let go.

Basically, I’m going to think of 2020 as the year I ‘Marie Kondo’ my sex life, and you bet your butt I’m going to blog about it.


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Ruby Rousson

Self-professed 'Professional (Disabled) Internet Human' Ruby Rousson runs Arousibility, The Ruby Umbrella and a number of other sites that all aim to help disabled and chronically ill people in some way shape or form. Twitter and Instagram: @MissRubyRousson

17 Comments

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  1. I think this makes total sense.

    I’m not a big fan of Marie Kondo, but I like the idea of taking a genuine look at what you’re doing and asking, “Does this bring me joy?”

    If the answer is “No” — and you clearly describe here why that would be the case for you — then I totally agree: chuck it! 🙂

    Solo masturbation… For me, it’s not a “give it up” thing, at least not entirely… But it’s definitely not something that’s even in my Top 50 Favorite Things right now (let alone being in the Top 5), and – like you – I’m not a fan of the {perceived} pressure/expectation around it.

  2. I am SO grateful that you are sharing your experiences about this and taking an approach that centers making things work for you, while also potentially inspiring others to do that same rather than putting so much pressure on themselves too. I really appreciate that you talk so candidly about your body, honestly about the pain that can come with pleasure, and that you’re reminding people that sex, sexual pleasure, and sexual wellness, doesn’t always have to centralize orgasms as the positive measure of those things.

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your journey with this in 2020!

  3. To try and summarise more coherently what I tried to say earlier, I’m really glad you posted this! I think it’s really important that we challenge the idea that people (especially afab folks) “should” masturbate. Pressure is not sexy, and it makes me happy that you’re going to try to let go of that pressure and share your experiences to normalise the idea that orgasms do not have to happen for pleasure to be experienced. And as always, your writing is brave and pretty damn inspiring.

  4. Found this so interesting – Thank you for telling us about such a personal thing and hope to read how 2020 goes for you in this respect
    May 😉

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